Life in the Pressure Cooker

I began this post over a month ago.  This Sunday it will be five months since our first day with Reed and Grace...

On November 14th we celebrated four months with Reed and Grace.  It's hard to believe how far we've come in such a short time.   It's been wonderful to see them get excited over new things, rather than be terrified, which was common initially.  Recently we were able to sit through church with both kids on our laps for the first time.  How refreshing!  What used to be routine has now become a victory.  ;-)

In four months a lot has happened, just very little time to think through it coherently or assimilate it into writing.  

Reed loves to be like Caleb!

We've had a full fall, while trying to slowly integrate back into life.  Caleb played football, Liam got bit by something (we're not sure what) that required an unexpected surgery and overnight hospital stay, and we've been scouring the country for a new place to live! 

We love to take walks in the evening as a family

When we returned from China we talked with our landlords who let us know they'd like to move back in the spring. We also had to sell our horses and cows.  :-(  Although we trust it was God's plan, every one of us cried, including the last remaining cow.  He stood at the barn and bawled for three days and I couldn't even take comfort in a happy ending - he'll be going to the butcher shortly.  August was an intense month; and in all honesty, at times it felt like too much.

On a happy note, we got celebrate two very special birthdays - Reed turned two on September 14th and had this was his first birthday to ever be celebrated, so we went all out! Grace followed shortly after on November 6th.    We now get to celebrate birthdays just about every other month of the year!

Grace got a baby doll

Another highlight we were blessed with (among many others)were free tickets to see Steven Curtis Chapman in concert. We were also given back stage passes and had the opportunity to meet him.  We've always been fans of his, but it was especially sweet to share pictures of Reed and tell him how well he was adjusting, since Show Hope (Steven's ministry) had taken care of him.

Both Reed and Grace have transitioned beautifully into our family, and with each passing week we seem to be settling into more of a rhythm.  What a joy it has been to watch God at work in their lives, and get to be a part of it!

Although Reed is technically the oldest, he's very much the baby of the family.  The change in him has not only been dramatic, but in many ways unbelievable.   When we first came home it was a sobering realization that we had a brought home a baby in an almost two year old body.  Rather than trying to see him as a two year old (he was so tiny) I realized I really needed to view him where he was at developmentally, which was much closer to a 12 month old.  It's been a joy to watch God begin to close in the gap between his development and true age, and get to be a part of it!

He's becoming quite a happy (and often silly) little guy.  He runs from room to room, and his sad cries when Travis or I leave have been replaced by yelling "BYE! BYE! BYE" at the top of his lungs while waving furiously.  He's learned to give kisses, and he was so thrilled with himself the first night he could, that he climbed all over each family member giving everyone kisses and laughing.   His sleep continues to improve and some nights he sleeps through the night.

Little Gracie is delightful -  full of life and spunk!  Her favorite activities include holding up a book (often upside down) and "reading"  LOUDLY - whether anyone is paying attention or not.  She also loves to stand on the fireplace hearth and sing and dance her heart out.  She keeps us entertained and I think we are all laughing more than we ever have!  

She will try and repeat just about any word we tell her and she can be very tender towards her siblings.  :-)  She can also throw a punch if she doesn't like what's going on.  We are working on that.  She has settled down tremendously from her initial tantrums and yielded to having authority in her life incredibly well.  Like most two year olds, adding the word "no" to her vocabulary has rocked (and is rocking) her world, but it has been so good for her.  And for
us. ;-)  

Although I feel like we are still in transition, the other kids have really been amazing.  Little Addie has probably had the hardest time, although she dotes on both Reed and Grace.  She loves to be a mommy, so she's definitely been in her element the past few months.  It's been a bit of a roller coaster emotionally, as she bounces between being Mommy's Helper and wanting to still be the baby of the family.  We've had many wonderful opportunities to practice emotional self control.  I'm thankful she's three and not sixteen.  ;-)  Many years left to continue practicing.

It takes all hands on deck to keep things running!

Overall if we had to rank whose had the most difficult transition, I'm pretty sure I'd get the prize. That's hard to believe when we've brought home two little people who've had their worlds completely turned upside down and suffered so much loss in their short little lives.

There's been two parts to the transition for me.  The first has been just learning to manage the needs of eight small people, while trying to be a helpmate to my husband, juggle homeschooling, and keep the home somewhat orderly.  I had anticipated most of these challenges, as adding a new baby always throws me for a bit of a loop.  Fortunately, at the point I told Travis I needed anti-depressants (only half way joking ;-)) a dear friend jumped in and helped me to streamline/organize my life a bit.  That was a tremendous encouragement and lifesaver for us all!

Watching the big boys chop firewood

The second piece was the spiritual piece, which I had NOT anticipated and has been humbling at best.  I've been reading a book called Glorious Ruin.  And a glorious ruin this has been.  While I'm still trying to sift through it, this is what God's been teaching me.

Almost two years ago I began praying that I would grasp the gospel in a deeper way - that I would understand how it affected me on a daily basis, and not as a one time event that my salvation was based on.  God has slowly helped me to gain that new understanding, but nothing like He has the past four months.  And certainly not in the way I was picturing.

I assumed that a deeper understanding would culminate in a "feel good" sort of way.  Maybe I'd become another Ann Voskamp - spending my days in a constant state of gratitude and joy for all that Jesus had done?   While my gratitude is certainly increasing, I did not anticipate the pain and the pressure that would precede it.  My theology has definitely needed a complete reworking, and God has been gracious to help me along.

God has been revealing to me the depth of my selfishness and sin.  I've learned that when the pressure is on in my life, all of my issues come rising to the surface.  It's taken the painful stretching for me to understand the gospel in a new light.   I've had seasons of being utterly dependent on the Lord in my life, but this season has taken my dependency to a new level.

I've come to a new understanding of what it means that God choose me, despite my lack of worthiness, and the fact that I had nothing to offer him.  In other words, I've realized just how broken and unattractive my life was, and is, apart from Christ.  It's been sobering and humbling, as God's revealed areas of pride.

And lastly, God has used this time to reveal idols my life.  Most of them have little, if nothing, to do with adoption.  And yet God has used the circumstances to bring to light lingering idols - the idols of comfort, of order, QUIET, my reputation, my kid's reputations, and a fear of man.  Just to name a few ;-)

Through it all, God has continued to carry me and show his grace in amazing ways.  He's  blessed our family beyond measure with such rich relationships and loving support.  And although it hasn't been terribly pretty, I've realized the first step in understanding the gospel more deeply, is a deeper understanding of my brokenness and need.